goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
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He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
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i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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