You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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