Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize