I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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