I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
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