The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
