Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
