you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
