Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
