@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
