So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
