Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
