My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
