I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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