I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
