you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Who died my cat blue again?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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