...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So vagazzling was a success
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
