My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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