"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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