we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
