so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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