what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
