I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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