i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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