Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
