I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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