Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups