oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time