Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
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my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
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Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life