I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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