she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
