he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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