Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
