I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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