textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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