I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
