And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
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No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
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All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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