What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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