my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize