At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
