You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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