Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
