today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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