oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
