I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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