Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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