4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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