i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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