My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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