So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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