Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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