Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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