just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
