You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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