I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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