coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
