Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
