I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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